Birthday Reflections + 63 Life Lessons Learned

  artist: Anthony Burrill

artist: Anthony Burrill

Today's my birthday, and every year around this time I update a list on lessons I've learned – some while growing up and reinforced as time goes on, and some new. We all have stories and lessons learned from personal experience and I feel very strongly that we should not take them for granted nor forget. Here are 63 lessons I've learned, in no particular order:

1. If you're lucky enough to choose who you work with, opt for people who are intentionally kind rather than superficially nice.

2. There's always a deeper story. Ask better questions.

3. What people don't tell you about dreaming big is that dreams take time to fully articulate themselves. Keep pressing in. Clarity will come.

4. Being a critical thinker and having a critical spirit are two different things. The first requires an open mind, the second refuses one.

5. Bad things happen to good people. It's not always because of some moral failing or attracting it into your life because of emitting negative energy into the universe. Believing that you can control everything that happens to you is a philosophy of bondage, not freedom.

6. If people are really concerned about you, they will pick up the phone to call. The ones who don't call aren't really concerned. 

7. Your mental health is important. We all have issues, some that we don't even know exist. See a licensed therapist if necessary.

8. Life is not so much about being fearless, it's about moving forward despite our fears.

9. Good shoes make a huge difference and the money spent on quality is an investment, not a splurge.

10. You can't be responsible for other people's demons. 

11. When making purchases, support the original artists whenever possible.

12. Asking, "why me?" is the same as asking, "why not someone else?"

13. Rocking the boat is not the same as throwing someone under the bus.

14. Jaded is not a healthy lifestyle.

15. Learning how to take a compliment and accept forgiveness are just as important as giving both generously.

16. Comparing everything in your life to your "glory days" or a previous season will get you nowhere.

17. If you've "arrived," you've settled.  There's always more to learn, more to explore.

18. Being "too busy" is a myth. We make time for the people and things that are important to us.

19. Trials make you bitter or better. How you respond is up to you.

20. Being authentic doesn't mean laying all your cards face up on the table.

21. The healthiest people have more boundaries, not less.

22. True humility doesn't hide its gifts.

23. Choose the option with the story.

24. Your children and grandchildren will care more about your jewelry than you do. Buy less, choose well.

25. If you can't give up something for 30 days, you're addicted.

26. The right words at the wrong time are the wrong words.

27. The books you read as a child can spark lifelong passions. Encourage the children in your life to read.

28. People have a right to live fully, not just merely.

29. Don't expect people to fight fair. More importantly, don't allow that to make you cynical.

30. The quickest way to turn a good habit into legalism is to insist that everyone else do it as well.

31. Consistent acts of kindness trump random acts of kindness. Habits always win.

32. "Buy all this stuff to simplify your life!" is the new face of materialism.

33. Erase the phrase "Oh, they would never do that" from your vocabulary. People will surprise you – for better and for worse.

34. Your values aren't really your values until they impact your wallet and your time.

35. When in doubt, give people the opportunity to save face. When not in doubt, give people the opportunity to save face. Dignity transforms.

36. Expecting people to be perfect is an exhausting way to live. The people you love and respect will disappoint you. Love them anyway.

37. Blind spots are called that for a reason: YOU can't see them.

38. Social media doesn't make a person better or worse, it amplifies who they already are.

39. If design didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, snowflakes would be ugly.

40. Fresh flowers bring a room to life and are worth including in your weekly budget.

41. Surrounding yourself with passionate people means having to work harder on your relationships. This requires less assuming and deeper listening. It is worth it.

42. People are not projects.

43. Mondays represent a clean slate and fresh start. Going through life hating them is a waste. TGIM.

44. God doesn't need a consultant.

45. Looking for the good doesn't erase the bad. Looking for the good simply allows the bad to be viewed in the appropriate context: as a part, not the whole, and often as something that can be restored or given a second chance.

46. Generous people change the world, not because of what or how much they give, but because they are doers and see possibility where others don't.

47. "It's okay to be average" is one of the most poisonous and destructive lies you can choose to believe. You have untapped potential and the only person who can use it is you. What an endless, amazing gift.

48. If your dreams do not add good to the lives of others, you are dreaming too small.

49. There is power in creating something of your own, even if no one else ever sees it.

50. If you catch yourself randomly thinking something nice about someone you haven't spoken to in a while, send a quick note to tell them so. It will make both of you feel good.

51. Love without hope is sentimental, powerless mush. Transformation can only truly occur when hope is present and encouraged.

52. Gifts celebrate a spirit of generosity. The very nature of giving a gift requires thinking of other people before ourselves.

53. Happiness and joy are not the same thing. Happiness is circumstantial. Joy can sustain you through every curveball life throws your way.

54. The true legacy of books is in the ideas they nurture and spread, not in the packaging.

55. Optimism is a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets.

56. It is impossible to have an open mind and a closed fist.

57. If a woman living on $2 a day in a developing country could not accomplish what you have through her hard work alone, there is some amount of privilege in your life.

58. Open doors for people who will open doors for people.

59. People can change. If we couldn’t, then the concepts of growth and redemption are fraudulent.

60. People who won’t show up for the tough days aren’t people you need in your inner circle, no matter how “positive” they or their brand may be.

61. Authentic always means "real." It does not always mean "good."

62. It's okay to question everything: your faith, your career path, your political views, your choice of friends. In fact, it's dangerous if you don't.

63. Giving a damn brings true joy, apathy kills the soul.

The original version of this post was published October 2009

Two Splendid Announcements

A few Splendid announcements to share:

I’ll be speaking at the Coterie Retreat in Bermuda this December, along with celebrity chef Marcus Samuelsson, actress and comedian Yvonne Orji of HBO’s Insecure, celebrity makeup artist Sam Fine, event designer Eddie Zaratsian, and more.

The Coterie Retreat was started by Jackie and Chike Nwobu, publishers of Munaluchi Bride magazine, and is for wedding pros focused on the multicultural and destination wedding markets. Coterie is one of my favorite wedding industry conferences. The entire experience is unpretentious, encouragement is candid and authentic, every speaker shares useful, practical knowledge, and because it's limited to just 100ish people, it's the perfect setting to network and make new industry friends while never feeling overlooked or left out.

You can learn more and register here.

The Well-Paid Wedding Pro, the ultimate pricing guide for the wedding industry, releases on November 1st, which means you have less than a week to take advantage of the special pre-order price! This is the only time it will ever be sold at a discount.

The Well-Paid Wedding Pro is everything I know about pricing for the wedding industry from my years as a consultant to wedding industry leaders. Everything. 

No gimmicks: no “one size fits all” pricing solutions, no “I won’t get out of bed for less than $20k” out-of-touch statements, no holding back information so you’ll hire me as your business consultant, no bait and switch to get you to buy something else, and no signing up for an email list you can never seem to get off of. Just valuable strategies and insights you can use to price with confidence, get paid what you’re worth, and turn a profit.

You can learn more about what’s included in this 100+ page Splendid Guidebook and pre-order here!

Choosing Peacemaking Over Peacekeeping

Surrounding yourself with passionate people means you will have to work harder on your relationships. It will require less assuming and deeper listening. When misunderstandings or disagreements crop up, it will require you to choose between peacemaking or peacekeeping.

Peacemaking requires honest and uncomfortable conversations. It requires initiating those conversations and having the courage to return phone calls or emails when someone else reaches out.

Peacekeeping sweeps things under the rug, out of sight, but never quite out of mind. Sweeping things under the rug only creates a bigger mess, allowing dangerous toxins to grow and multiply.

If your goal is to have richer, deeper relationships, then peacemaking is the option to pursue.

Originally published March 2013